Skype, Uncrustable's and Vampire's
by blackcat711
Summary: REVISED VERSION What happens when you put together our favorite vampire, a crazy girl and uncrustable's? Shennanigans that's what! Be warned there be psycho's ahead.


Me: Hey hey hey it's FAAAAAT ALBERT! That's a lie it's me.

Alucard: We figured.

Me: Shut up. ANYWAY! This is my first ever fanfiction so I'm looking forward to some critiques. CRITIQUES. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM NOT FLAMES!

Alucard: Can't take a little heat?

Me: Haha funny. Much more of that and you may not be able to take it. A.K.A. Sleeping on the couch.

Alucard:...

Me: Yea that's what I thought. Anyway DISCLAIMER WARNING! Hellsing does NOT belong to me AT ALL IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. I belong to myself and so does the plot. Reviews is my bubble tea of life!

10:00 pm

*baweep*

I leaned forward and read the new message that had popped up on Skype.

Rob:_ "XD the internet here is not good for video chat XD"_

I nodded slightly as I rapidly typed an answer.

Me:_ "ditto lol"_

Rob: _"god damnit now I'm meowing!"_

I laughed as I read that and typed out an explanation for the link I had just sent him. I was dead set on getting him obsessed with Hellsing Ultimate OVA so I had sent him a link for a video on the fight between Alucard and Father Anderson. Speaking of which...

I felt Alucard's presence as he phased in through the wall and my roommates bed to stand behind me. I ignored him as he loomed over me and continued to type.

Me: _"MEOW!"_

Rob: _"XD Stop meowing!"_

I grinned and hunched over the keyboard as I typed.

ME: _"MEOW_

_MEOW_

_MEOW_

_MEOW_

_MEOW_

_MEEEEEOOOOWWWWW!"_

Rob: "_KNOCK IT OFF XD"_

I started to giggle and kept 'meowing' at him as Alucard leaned over to look at the screen.

"Human girl! I've been trying to contact you for an hour what the hell were you doing?" I shrugged. Yea I had heard him trying to talk to me through our link but I had blocked him out. Talking telepathically gave me a headache and I was already exhausted from writing a paper for Comp class.

"What are you _doing_?"

I didn't look at him as I discussed said vampire with my friend.

"I'm Skyping." He tilted his head to the side a bit as he frowned.

"Ah. It's one of those online chats. What foolishness."

"You're foolishness."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"You don't make sense."

"...Does your conscience really sound like me?"

I blushed a little and stopped typing. I hadn't meant to actually say that out loud. I wiggled a little in my seat.

"Maybe just a little." I said and pursed my lips, batting my eyes up at him coyly. He looked at me a moment and then grinned. He leaned down further for a kiss but just before our lips met I turned and he ended up kissing the top of my head. Sucker. Ha! Vampire pun.

Rob: _"What the fuck is the priest? He's a weapon?!"_

Me: _"Yes he is. He was a human at one point though before the Vatican screwed him up."_

"HA! As if the Vatican had to do much! He was probably mad as a hatter before he was even a priest! Why are you even talking to this imbecile?"

"Because he's awesome." He glared at me, "But not as awesome as you darling!" I cooed and pinched his cheek. He batted my hand away irritably and smacked the back of my head.

"Would you stop watching that! This is the tenth time you've played it."

"I like watching you get pinned to the wall." *Baweep*

Rob: _"He just threw a shit load of knives and pinned alucard to a wall..."_

Me: _"SWEET"_

"Well aren't you just the kindest little idiot."

"Shut up, it's like bondage. Besides I thought you liked a little pain?"

"I do, but not from a blessed blade. And NOT from that Judas priest."

"Masochist."

"Sadist."

"You know you love it." He was silent for a moment then he shrugged with a little smile "True."

I chuckled and then frowned down at my stomach as it grumbled, "Aw come on stomach I just fed you!" Alucard slowly shook his head. "You're like bottomless pits you humans. It makes me glad that I'm not one of you."

"Oh hush you," I scolded and while I rooted through the fridge I came upon a box. A box of such heavenly goodness that I jumped up and shouted for joy. "OMGSMUCKERUNCRUSTABLES!" The raven haired count raised an eyebrow as I danced around the room singing.

"Ohhhhhhh smuckers uncrustables you are so tasty and gooooood~ I could eat you everydaaaaaay~ Juuuuuuust one questioooooon~ WHY AREN'T YOU RASPBERRY MOTHERFUCKERS?!" And I hurled the box at Alucard face where it bounced off and he clapped a hand to his bleeding forehead.

"WHAT THE HELL?! YOU LUNATIC WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

I stood my ground and screamed in his face "WHY AREN'T THEY RASPBERRY?!"

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?!"

"WELL YOU SHOULD!"

"I'M A VAMPIRE YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE PEST! I DON'T EAT HUMAN FOOD!"

I paused for a moment and said, "...Oh yea." before running for the window and attempting to jump out. I would have made it to if Alucard hadn't grabbed me and dragged me back in.

"How many times have I told you not to do that?" he said blandly as he sat me back down.

I shrugged, "Like 5 and a half?" I ripped open an Uncrustable. Alucard stared at me for a moment and then at the Uncrustable I had set down on the desk next to me. He leaned over and sniffed at it before making a disgusted face...right before I grabbed the back of his head and smashed his face into it. He reared back and ripped the smushed circle from his face before grabbing my head and smashing it into the wall.

"OWWW! GET OFF ME YOU BIG PIECE OF CINNAMON GOODNESS!" I yelled and kicked his knee. He grunted and dropped me to the floor, "You're more trouble than you're worth." he accused, wiping his face with my bath towel. I looked at him blankly for a moment than my face slowly scrunched into my "sad face" as tears filled my eyes. Alucard did a double take when he heard me and sighed. Kneeling down he scooped me up and placed me on his lap when he sat at my desk. He patted my head and sighed again, "Hush now little human you know I didn't mean it." I sniffled, "How should I know? You're the No-Life King, and I'm just a boring human teenager. I'm not even pretty-" Before I could finish Alucard wrapped an arm around my waist and rested his chin on my head. "Now you know that's not true. You know bloody well that if I wanted to leave I would be gone in a heart beat. But I didn't. And I'm here. So get used to it." I stuck my lower lip out and nodded. He glared a little, "Put that away before I bite it off." He warned as he waved a Kit Kat bar in my face. I squeeled and grabbed it before stuffing some in my mouth and chewed it happily. Then a thought hit me. I looked at the Kit Kat and then I looked up at Alucard.

"...Is this from my drawer?"

"Yes."

"..."

"Is there a problem? I could always feed it to your roommate."

I quickly shook my head, "No no! It's fine!" *munch munch* He nodded in a pleased fashion and patted my head. I looked back at my chat and nearly choked on my chocolate when I read the message.

Rob: _"O_o making babies?"_

I quickly swallowed my Kit Kat and started laughing hysterically. Alucard looked at me with alarm and read the message over my shoulder. I felt him freeze. Snickering I typed out a reply.

Me: _"I would totally have his babies."_

I hit the send button and proudly crossed my arms in front of me. No shame here. Not one little bit. The count was silent for a moment before wrapping his long arms around my waist grinning like the cheshire cat, "Remind me to thank your friend later."

Rob: _"Im so freaked out now"_

Me: _"dude you were just like randomly 'making babies?' what the heck XD honestly you should be used to this by now. And you call yourself my friend ."_

Rob: _"haha well I didn't know about Al. So whats his thoughts on the weather?"_

I turned to look at Alucard as he pondered the question.

"Well since he asked, tell him I do not see the weather during the day since being awake then is exhausting. Also the temperature changing constantly is ridiculous." I nodded as I typed his answer out.

Me: _"being awake during the day is exhausting for him and he thinks all the random changes in temperature are retarded."_

Alucard frowned as he read my answer, "You're wording is atrocio-guh!" He doubled over from the elbow to his gut.

Me: _"He said my wording was stupid so I elbowed him in the gut."_

Rob: _"haha! How in god's name did you two run into each other XD"_


End file.
